Merry Christmas Charlie Manson
The answer is no.
All the guys are going to Cartman's grandma's.
I can't let you go to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays.
The other guys get to go. Why can't I?
- I'll leave it up to your father. - Fine with me.
- The answer's no. Wash up for supper! - I don't want your supper.
- You're gonna get it now. - Go to your room, Stanley. Right now.
You can't tell me what to do. I'm 8 years old.
I don't need this stupid family.
- It's nice of you to take the boys. - It's my pleasure. Eric loves his friends.
Every time I go to my grandma's, she gives me a present.
- As soon as I walk in, she'll hand me a present. - That's nice.
If they have leftover turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home.
- I didn't think you were coming. - Of course I'm coming.
- Goodbye. Be careful. - See you in a couple days.
Shotgun! It's my car, I called it first. Shotgun!
Kenny, I called shotgun.
Damn it, Kenny, get in the back.
Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there.
Look, there's an elephant parade.
Kenny, Kenny, look. Go get it. Go get it!
You poor piece of crap.
- How far is it to Nebraska? - Six hours.
- What are we gonna do for six hours? - We could sing.
Yeah. Or we could not.
Let's sing that one grandma song.
Please stop.
- Careful. These roads are bumpy. - I guess. Damn!
Here we go. We're crossing into Nebraska.
- This is Nebraska? - What's all that?
Wheat. The building block of many foods and Nebraska's source of productivity.
- When Nebraska first became- - We don't care.
Hey, look. "See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska. " Wow! We have to go, dude.
- I thought he lived in a sewer. - Since he was in that movie, he got famous.
Everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey. He's a piece of crap.
He'll be most excited to see me.
That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's grandma is near the mall.
How much further? I wanna see what presents she got me.
- Another hour. - Why does Grandma live so far away?
Let's stick her in a nursing home close to us so I don't drive six hours to get a present.
Try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
Oh, God!
- Here we are. - Jesus, finally!
Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!
- It's little Eric. - Hi, Grandpa.
- Look how big you've gotten. - Grandma got you a present.
- Sweet. What is it? - It's inside.
Yes! Move it.
- Hello, everyone. Happy holidays. - Hello.
These are Eric's friends Stan, Kyle and Kenny. Let me introduce the Cartmans.
- This is Uncle Stinky. - Nice to have you here.
Aunt Lisa. Cousin Fred. Cousin Alexandra. Fat Bob. Jimmy. Great-Grandma Florence.
Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies.
- No, Florence, that's not Eric. - Which one is he then?
- The fat one. - I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
- She smelled like vitamins and pee. - Sick, dude.
- Let's get to my present, shall we? - Here you go, Eric. Happy holidays.
- This isn't a present. It's a shirt! - I thought that would look good on you.
I drove nine hours through buttf**k nowhere to get a goddamn shirt?!
Grandma's gone senile. Stick her in a home!
- This is what the holidays are about. Family. - Yeah, right.
- What does your family do for the holidays? - My family's dead.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - Your family died?
They're dead to me. My mom doesn't know I'm here.
I got a stupid shirt. The holidays are bullcrap.
- Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag? - What?
Great-Grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.
Did you say hi to your little cousin Elvin?
- Hi, Cousin Elvin. - Sweet.
It certainly is nice we could all gather here for the holidays.
Even Uncle Howard joined us, live via satellite, from the state penitentiary.
- Whoa, dude! - You look good, Howard.
- No, I don't. - Hi, Howard.
- Is he here every year like this? - Yep.
Sweet.
Let's eat. They gave me extra bread and water.
Where's your manners? We haven't even said grace.
- Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace? - Why do I always have to say grace?
If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like:
"I'm not saying grace. If you ask me again, I'll kick you square in the nuts."
- Amen. - Amen.
Jesus, dude.
No, Jimmy, this is my potpie.
- That's a bad Jimmy. - Bad Jimmy.
No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's potpie.
- No, Jimmy! - That's a bad Jimmy.
- I don't know how long I can stay here. - I know.
What, dude?
I had a nightmare that we were at a house filled with Cartmans.
Kyle, we are at a house filled with Cartmans.
- What was that? - Whatever it is, it's getting closer.
- What was that for? - To make sure we're not dreaming.
- I wanted to make sure too. - You're not dreaming. Cut the crap.
It's coming through the window.
- Uncle Howard. - I didn't think anybody would be down here.
- What are you doing here? - You were in jail.
- Well, I busted out. - Wow, cool!
- We can't let the family know I'm here. - Okay.
If it's okay, we'll hang out here for a couple days with you.
Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket?
Come on, it's okay. Another inmate busted out with me. He's a good guy.
Hi, boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson.
I can't wait to get out among the pigs and raise hell.
But we gotta lay low for a while.
When I stand on the mountain and say do it, it gets done.
If it don't get done, I move on it. That's the last thing you want.
- All right, Chuck, watch some TV. - Now back to It's a Wonderful Life.
You can't buy people, Mr. Potter. You know what you are? You're a little bitch.
That's right. And I bet you'd like to suck it.
- We gotta get to the mall. - What?
- We have to see Mr. Hankey. - Keep your pants on.
- Bring us down some food. - Okay.
- Come on! - Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody take us?
- Cornhuskers have the ball... - Can you drive us?
Not now. Holding! Where's the flag?
My stupid friends wanna see Mr. Hankey. Take us!
I said no, and I mean no. Respect my "authority."
You don't have any "authority."
- With only 16 seconds left- - We interrupt this broadcast for a bulletin.
Mass murderer and nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison.
Manson was responsible for seven murders in the late '60s.
Manson has never shown any signs of remorse.
If you see Manson, kick his ass and smash his f**king face in.
Then call the police. Back to the game.
They've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds.
Weak!
- I need you to take care of Elvin for a while. - I don't wanna take care of Elvin.
- Won't you do it for Grandma? - All right, give me $10.00.
- Kick ass. - Chuck, turn that damn thing down.
Hello, movie house. Hello, burger parlor.
The spirit of Christmas is another lie.
- From the lying pigs that consider me- - Okay, thank you very much.
- My family sucks ass. - All families suck ass.
- We got you some sticky cinnamon buns. - Wow, sweet.
- Dude, we have to get to the mall. - What's the matter?
We wanna go to the mall, but nobody would drive us.
- Bummer. - I'll take you.
Just keep watching Christmas specials.
I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in a basement.
- Good for you. - I'll hot-wire your grandpa's car.
- Should we go with this guy? - You have to trust people.
All right, keep your heads down.
We're going to the mall.
- I can't believe he'd go without permission. - Don't overreact.
Maybe Stan didn't go. Maybe he ran away or got kidnapped.
I hope you're right.
- Hello? - Hello. It's Stan's mom. Is Stanley with you?
- Why, yes. I thought you were dead. - What?!
Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad you're better.
- Get the car. We're going to Nebraska. - Stan's in trouble.
- Do you see him? - We have a ways to go.
I can't wait. He's gonna be so glad.
- I drove all the way from Montana. - I knew him before he was even famous.
How did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at this stuff.
Mr. Hankey kicks ass.
It says Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall.
How could he be here and at another mall at the same time?
He has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants.
Would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
- I like that guy. - You finished your fudgesicle, Elvin.
Damn it, be quiet!
Shut up, Elvin!
No, Elvin. Bad Elvin.
Folks need to understand that I am terror. I am fear, I am-
- Hey, look, another holiday special. - Back to The Grinchy Poo.
The Grinchy Poo went up the chimney And stuffed the tree up
But then he heard a coo Like the cry of a dove
It was little Cindy Lou Poo Who was no more than 2
Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
That old Grinchy Poo thought up a lie And he thought it up quick
You're next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lolly Land.
- Boy, here we go. - Howdy-ho, boys.
Mr. Hankey?
- You boys smell like flowers. - You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
- Sure I am. Howdy-ho. - You're bigger than the last time we saw you.
Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too. Howdy-ho.
- You want your picture with Mr. Hankey? - This is not Mr. Hankey. This is a fake!
It's okay, kids. I'm real. Howdy-ho.
Howdy-ho!
Why are you doing this? Why would you lie to children?
There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every mall. There's no real Mr. Hankey.
- What did you say? - You've done it now.
Behold. Here is your false prophet.
- Get him! - Son of a bitch!
You lied to me. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
- Well, yes, but- - I will not forget this, Mother. Ever!
This is revolution!
They're rioting again.
All the Poos down in Pooville Joined hands and they sang
They sang all the same
And he, himself, the Grinchy Poo Carved the roast poo
Wow, man, that's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good.
Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again.
NO MORE LIES!
Use the tear gas!
The holiday season is nothing but bullcrap.
- How was it? - It was a fake!
- I'm sorry. - The holiday season is for idiots.
- Where did you go? - I had my tattoo redone. Look.
- That's pretty cool. - Where's Kenny?
He's around.
- Hey, Kenny. - I'll buy you kids an orange smoothie.
There he is! That's Charlie Manson!
Run for your lives, boys!
Wait. You guys...
Come back here, goddamn it!
Keep your heads down, kids.
- What is wrong with you people? - I can't believe it was a fake Mr. Hankey.
If Mr. Hankey found out, he'd be pissed.
We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
A high-speed car chase is happening on Interstate 3.
We go now to our live Sky-5 helicopter.
The chase is proceeding west, down the interstate.
That looks a lot like your car.
Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages, all of whom are children.
What is this world coming to?
This car chase is being brought to you by Snacky S'mores.
The creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
They're gaining on us.
Fudgesicle!
- Kick ass. - I hate the holiday season.
- Hello. Having fun? - Get in the house.
Alrighty then.
- Lock the door. - It's Charlie Manson!
- What's going on? - Policemen are chasing us.
Quiet, we're watching TV.
- What a festive season. - That's right. This is the season for sharing.
- The cops are here. - How did you get out, son?
Manson, come out peacefully and we'll shoot you.
- Tell him we won't shoot him. - Good idea.
Come out peacefully and we won't shoot you.
Look, Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut.
- Get down, Ma! - Don't point a gun at your mother.
What's wrong with you? You're acting funny.
Sit down and shut up! We're not going back to the big house.
Well, you've done it again. You ruined Christmas.
This is Robert Pooner live from Nebraska...
...where Charlie Manson has walled himself in a house.
There are hostages. The situation is critical.
So we'd like to remind you that this is brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block.
If it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.
- What's going on here? - We've got a critical situation.
- Charlie Manson is holding hostages. - Is this the Cartman residence?
Give me that! Stanley, this is your mother.
- What's your mom doing here? - Young man, I have had it.
- You've disobeyed me for the last time. - She's pissed.
- I'm glad I'm not you right now. - What do you have to say for yourself?
Sorry.
More developments in the Manson hostage crisis.
It appears that 8-year-old Stan Marsh is in big, big trouble.
He apparently disobeyed his parents. Left home without telling them.
His mother is very disappointed.
- Damn it, what are we gonna do? - We're watching television.
Wait!
Hold on. Over here, over here.
Here comes one. Here it comes.
- Come out with your hands up. - Dad, why don't you have a back door?
There's a window in the bathroom. You could probably squeeze through there.
That's it. We're going out the bathroom window. Come on.
- But I gotta see what happens. - Come on, damn it.
Don't move till we're gone or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.
Happy holidays!
- Dude, they're gonna kill me. - All right, Manson, we're coming in.
There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed. Innocent people are gonna die.
You've got until 100 marshmallow to come out.
One marshmallow. Two marshmallow. Three marshmallow.
- It's open, let's go. - I want to go with you.
- I don't want to go back with them. - Your parents are out there.
I know. They wanna punish me for coming to Nebraska.
All right, you can come. Now, let's go.
- I wanna talk to you about family. - What?
- You see, I had a family once.
At least I called them my family.
Really, they were nothing but a gang of people I thought were my friends.
After we killed a bunch of people, I realized that my real family...
...was who took the time to care about what I did.
They don't care, they just want to punish me.
If they don't care, would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. Thanks.
- Now can we go? - No, Howard. You go ahead.
- I've got something to say. - Weak!
Folks, I apologize for this mess. I'm going to surrender.
- Somebody show the police a white flag. - 90 marshmallow, 91 marshmallow...
This makes me hungry for marshmallows. 92 marshmallow.
Look out, he's got a white flag!
Oh, my God! They killed the orange-coat kid.
You bastards!
- They're surrendering. - Grab him!
You're under arrest, buddy.
All right, you. Spread 'em.
- You're going back to prison to rot. - Good, I deserve to.
I can't make it up to the families I destroyed.
But I'll make an example for anyone thinking crime is an answer.
- Stop that! - I get it now.
I understand what the holidays are all about. Don't you see?
You can't let things get you down.
Being happy is what the holidays are about.
Charlie's right. I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holiday.
I've been such a bastard all these years. I finally understand. It feels great.
I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. You see...
Happy holidays, you guys.
- Happy holidays, Bob. - Happy holidays, chief.
- Manson, you belong in jail. - You're darn right.
I guess I'll be going. I hope you can forgive me.
Of course we forgive you, son. It was nice of you to pop in.
- Yes, now watch that ass in prison, son. - I always do.
- See you, Eric. Thanks for your help. - Thanks for being a great role model.
Piece of crap.
I hope you can forgive me too, Mom.
Let's forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday.
- Really? - We'll punish you after the holidays.
Hooray- I mean, what?
So Manson is hauled to jail to rot in his cell. Everything is back to normal.
I guess the only thing left to say is, God bless us, everyone.
That's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I did. I deserve to be in jail.
I hope I don't make mankind lose faith in itself.
There's murderers in the world, rapists and thieves.
But those are the minority. The majority of mankind are caring people...
...who try to do what's right. That's the spirit of the season.
- What do you think? - It sucks, like all your books.
- Well, good night. Happy holidays. - Shut up!
What was that?
- What the...? - Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!
Dude, this is pretty f**ked up.